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Dixie Zipwire

Dixie Zipwire

Lyric #2580 by bassMonkey

Tags: Funny, Country, Going Home, Wedding, Impossible Engineering
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posted on #1
Posts: 382
Joined: Dec 2, 2020
Well I was workin' in construction up in NYC when a letter arrived addressed to me,
It was from my gal back home in Galveston.
She wrote: "I'm gonna give birth and for what it's worth,
It's yours and weddin' chapel's booked for the third,
And if you don't show - I'm gonna marry John".

Now John's my cousin and he's OK - mind I never really thought I'd ever see the day,
He'd be standin' in the church with his arm around Suzanne.
But I didn't have the money for the air fare home,
And my truck had been towed from a penalty zone,
So I started to plot a pretty audacious plan.

I'd seen me a zipwire in Battery Park and I figured that sucker'd hit the mark,
So I licked my pencil and started to do the math.
The start would need to be about fifty miles high,
But us folks from Texas never say die,
And I soon had a sixteen hundred mile flight path.

I'll be ridin' on that zipwire down to Dixie,
I'll be back home before they know I'm gone,
My heart is broke but I know what will fix me,
Gonna wed that little girl in Galveston.

I was gonna need millions of tonnes of steel plus a mighty lotta cable to complete the deal,
But scaling up a project never perplexes me.
I had a couple days to complete the build,
I'd be home by the third if I didnt get killed,
Or thrown in jail by the ol' N-Y-P-D.

I'd normally ask but I didnt have the time, so I borrowed me the rails from E-Train line,
And I also took about half of the Brooklyn Bridge.
At the port they was layin' cable under the sea,
So I swiped the lot from AT&T,
Then I toasted my loot with a cold one from the fridge.

I could tell it was gonna need a counterweight so I tied it off on the Empire State,
Then I built so fast you'd think that I was twins.
I was almost into space when I had to stop,
I riveted the cable to a socket at the top,
Dropped the rest to the bottom and thought "the fun begins".


I hitched the other end to the bumper of a truck with Texas plate and I yelled "Good Luck",
Then I climbed up top and waited to start the show.
Guess I could have asked that good ol' boy for a ride,
But I was in too deep and I had my pride,
Twenty-five hours later I was ready and rarin' to go.

I zipped New York at pretty fair lick, then Jersey & PA went real quick,
But West Virginia treated me kinda cruel.
See I forgot to allow for Blue Ridge tips,
I tried to swing up but my pants got ripped,
And I darn near lost me part of the family jewels.

Kentucky seemed quiet which suited me fine but about ten miles from the Tennesse line,
The cops caught up and threatened to shoot me down.
I counted forty state troopers and some FBI friends,
And they all looked madder than a bunch o' wet hens,
But I was outta their range this far above the ground.


By now I was flyin' through the heart of the South and the news was a-spreadin' by word of mouth,
Mississippians showed up just to see the sight.
There was labourers, farmers, priests and truckers,
I hollered "God bless every one of you fellows",
I crossed the Big Muddy as the cheers rang through the night.

Louisiana rain soaked into my shirt as I steadied myself for the final spurt,
The lonestar state was coming in to view.
I crossed the border at dawn on the third,
I'd made it back and I'd kept my word,
I cried "Sweet Suzanne I'm coming home for you!"

But the wire was beginnin' to get kinda low and I still had about a hundred miles to go,
Outside Port Arthur's where I lost the day.
I was still movin' fast but the cops moved quicker,
And they caught me using a cherry picker,
My ass got tossed in the hoosegow right away.


I was guilty of the theft of a lot of iron, reckless endangerment, unlicensed flyin',
And one or two crimes that they had to name after me.
So I'm servin' my time up here in the Pen',
Suzanne comes to visit me now and again,
And she never married John so I'm calling it a victory.

[Authors Note.]
The distance between New York City and Galveston TX is a little over 1,600 miles (24 - 25 hours drive time)
With the recommended 3% rate of drop for a zipwire, the required height for the starting point would be around 50 miles
- which is the about the same as the limit of the Earth's atmosphere and the start of space.

The cable required would of course be longer than the 1,600 mile lateral distance - not that much as a straight line given the relatively small angle but you would need to allow for a lot of sag due to gravity and the structural strength of the start tower would need to be far greater than feasible in any man-made construction - even if you could build it that high which of course you can't. And you'd have to allow for curvature of the Earth of course.

The world's longest cable is actually the SEA-ME-WE 3 which links Asia the Mid East and Europe (creating communication links between 33 countries) and is 24,000 miles long. However, it's under the sea - the longest continuous suspended cable is believed to be in The Ameralik Span in Greenland which strectches 3.34 miles across a fjord - and even this is supported by 4 pylons.
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