Does sharing a problem half it or double it?

We are told that sharing problems with others will make us feel better. No doubt it's true, sharing worries will lighten our load, but it will surely put burden on other people?

What I do believe however is, "Joy shared is joy doubled"

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I think you may have hit on the key issue with the current generation. We now live in a world of instant gratification where feelings tend to overwrite logic and common sense. If I share my burdens with others then I "feel" I am causing undue stress to others that I alone should bare.
This world is filled with people that are not happy unless everyone around them is suffering because of their problems. What they cannot control they want to destroy.

Happiness or joy is no more than a state of mind. If I am happy then everyone around me should be happy. If I am sad or angry then everyone should share in my anger or sadness. And if they don't share what I feel is it because of me or them?

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Okay, imagine this: what if concerns we share don’t have to be seen as problems, but instead as opportunities for growth? John Lennon’s quote “There are no problems, only solutions,” really resonates with me. I’m not saying that concerns aren’t valid or important but I’ve found that shifting my mindset towards solutions often changes the dynamic for me.

It reminds me of how playing different bass notes can change the quality of a chord… the same chord can feel completely different depending on the foundation you give it!! Similarly, how we respond to someones concerns can transform the whole experience. By focusing on the opportunity for growth, we can catalyze positive change in ourselves and the people around us. We can invite new perspectives without getting stuck in the worry.

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I get what you are saying here, but there are so many people in this world now that make themselves and everyone around them miserable worrying about "what if's". They don't see opportunities, and they certainly don't want to grow or change. They see life as a stack of obstacles to overcome instead.

Does it really matter that you shift your mindset towards a positive outcome to them? I would say NO... They don't care about you or your feelings only their own. You cannot change other peoples "tunes" by changing the "notes" you play if they don't want to hear it.

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I'm glad you brought up "perspectives" because that's very relevant. A passage of time can change how you interpret bad or awkward situations from the past, something that causes much worry to many people. If you do decide to share worries with people from that time you will often find out that they maybe don't even remember or certainly remember in a different way to you. So something you imagined was serious and possibly left you feeling shame, blame or resentment, was not a big deal to someone else. You beat yourself up for nothing in fact.

ps, I like that musical metaphor moonchild :)

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I agree, if you indulge someone who 'cries wolf' too often, maybe with irrational health or relationship issues, then you become a constant sounding board trying to give diplomatic advice that is rarely taken.
On the other hand there are people who never open up, wouldn't dream of burdening anyone, it's quite likely that their concerns are more valid!

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How do we handle what-ifs, worries, and concerns?

The word solution comes from the Latin solutio, meaning ‘loosening’ or ‘dissolving.’ I wonder if instead of seeing concerns as problems to fix, we allow them to dissolve naturally over time, like sugar dissolving in tea.

Maybe sitting with someone who cries wolf is like waiting for sugar to dissolve in cold tea. We could sit by the fire of gentle compassion with them, warming the tea up. With time, clarity might emerge on its own, without the need to force an answer. Then we avoid creating a dependency as well, a danger of giving answers and robbing others of the opportunity to enlighten themselves.

Was it Einstein who said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them?” Perhaps transformation happens when we stop pushing, stop seeing problems, and start trusting that a shift is already taking place, even if it’s currently imperceptible.

This conversation is helping me see things differently, giving me space to reflect on the many times I’ve given or sought advice, the times I’ve complained or lent my ear for the worrisome.

There’s always a turning point when I have to surrender and trust that a resolution exists, even if I don’t know what it is yet. I’ve also learned to ask, “Are you in solution mode, or do you just need someone to hold space?” Shutting up and listening can be such a profound gift to give. It’s not easy when I think I have all the answers but it’s rewarding…

Thanks for this thought-provoking topic! Much of what I’ve mused on while reading your responses and forming my own represents an ideal that I in no means totally live up to… but strive to, especially in my closest relationships.

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In practice… today a stranger walked up to me and started telling me intimate details of her life and problems. Out of the blue. The most compassionate thing I could do? I just walked away while she was talking and continued shopping. I’m sure she’ll figure it out!!! :D

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A very complicated question. Not only do we have to define the boundary between the problem and the solution, but also the perception of sharing and the relationship between the stakeholders. Only a good approach to all these elements will enable us to move forward in the right direction. And yet...
‘You can laugh at anything, but not with just anyone’, said a French humorist by the name of Pierre Desproges.
In short, sharing problems can very quickly become another problem... or a solution. So it's vital to choose the right person to talk to.

Translated with DeepL.com (free version)

Translated with DeepL.com (free version)

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I'm realizing that there's a big difference between a "problem" and a "worry"
There are solutions to most practical problems even if we don't know what they are.
We can legitimately share problems with experts. We can Google solutions, read books and articles and ask people who have had similar problems.

But "worry" is just thinking, it's in our head, intangible.
Worry is the result of having a problem, even anticipating, predicting or imagining a problem.
Worry doesn't solve the problem in fact all kinds of psychological and physiological effects result from worrying.

After a problem is resolved we still worry that it wasn't resolved properly and we get into the habit of worrying and rehashing. This is where we need to accept an outcome and move on.

We can share our worries with 10 different people and get 10 different responses (or no responses at all) I'm a little cynical about 'listeners' who are trained to listen, it can be quite frustrating to talk to someone who takes the 'brick wall' role in a sharing situation. But of course they can teach us how to separate emotions and facts in our problems.

I didn't expect this thread to get so complicated but I'm glad if it makes someone consider the subject more :)

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The subject is so vast that no single statement provides an answer. You have to learn to listen and never think that you are giving the right answer. Listening alone often brings peace.

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what kind of problems are we talking about here?

- one of the many more or less unpleasant bugs of existence: bad notes played during a concert, a toothache, unemployment, a divorce, a burglary, a tree falling on the car, a tax reminder ...?

- a desperate almost daily inhumanity: the homeless in our societies, the bombs dropped on civilian populations, financial predation preferred to ecology ...?

- an existential disillusionment: the death of our child, our parent who no longer recognizes us because of Alzheimer's disease, the announcement of cancer at a too advanced stage ...?

In any case, discussing it with a friend is an inestimable benefit.

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Who has seen the psychological drama by Krzysztof Zanussi (Poland), released in 2000: "Life is a deadly sexually transmitted disease." ?

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1- My former doctor, a woman to boot, told us when we had a huge problem with pielonephritis in our three-month-old daughter.
"Whoever agrees to give life, must agree to give death".
We changed doctors and opted for an Argentinian nephrologist who, despite the language barrier, saved our daughter. He listened to our distress. There are times when you feel totally helpless, and the words of others can be salutary. Was it sexually transmitted, I never knew. My daughter is 19 and in great shape.
2- In 2000, I had neighbours who were the sons of dangerous prisoners and who threatened to kill me when I defended a neighbour who had been attacked by them. Talking to a kind-hearted person helped me to avoid an irremediable solution.
3- In 2015, my wife suffered a severe burn-out and is still suffering the after-effects. I worked in the same company and all the people I was able to talk to about it became friends.
Since then, I've paid particular attention to those who tell me about their problems, as long as they're of some importance.

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